I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.