What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.