What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner