The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.