The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
I’ll never fir-get.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Are you a human? Just making sure.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.