“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
I beacha miss summer already!
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
You have one compact set.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Snow thank you.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.