Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.