I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.