I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
Time to celery-brate.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Believe in your elf.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.