“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”

– Tasha Tudor

I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.

You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.

My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen

I love when you coddle me.

The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest

When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.

You are so right. And I am so left.

Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.

“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.

Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard

What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.

Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.

If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.

The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.

Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.

If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.

"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck

If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi

What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.

I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."

You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman

Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.

Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.

Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!

“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown