What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
We are perfect balance for each other.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.