Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!