My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I'm Havana dream about you.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Love me till ice cream.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Let’s take an elfie.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."