What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.

Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse

Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.

What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X

Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.

There's snow place like the mountains in winter.

How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.

I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.

Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.

I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed

A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.

What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”

You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.

Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.

Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.

What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?

What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.

Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.

It’s party thyme.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.

I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?

I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.

What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”

What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!

What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.

When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.

What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.

What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.