Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
It's always a first class trip with me.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
I love you dairy much.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
They say everything gets better with age.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.