Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman