Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson