Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.

Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.

My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.

I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.

If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.

What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.

“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.

My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."

Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.

What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.

What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.

Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.

What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”

What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.

What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta

What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.

Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.

Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.

He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.

2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".

A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.

Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.

"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey

What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.

I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.

My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.

Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.

“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous

I think therefore I yam.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?

What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who

What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier

What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.