Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.