“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Can you feel that universal energy flowing from me to you?
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.