When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.

Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.

Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.

I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.

What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."

I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.

I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?

Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin

Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.

Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.

A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.

I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!

Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.

What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.

Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.

I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.

I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane

Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.

I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.

You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.

So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.

What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.

Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.

It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?

It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”

My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.

You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous