Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink