Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Your lab or my lab?
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....
I hope they meat her expectations
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.