What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
I would love to show you first class.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.