My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!

What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.

I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.

Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.

Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.

“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown

Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.

Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”

Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.

What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.

What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.

What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence

I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.

“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”

What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!

You’re wine in a million.

This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.

What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?

It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.

"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."

- Phyllis Dille

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?

What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.

Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!

How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!

When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."

What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.

"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.