Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
I wanna bob for your apples.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.