Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Can I hold your hand?
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
Would you like to share fire with me?
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Avoid pier pressure.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Beauty is only pig skin deep