What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
You should see what I can do with ice.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!