Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Let’s make like a banana and split.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.