"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
You’re my heartthrob.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.