Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
I followed my heart to you.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.