What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped