That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
You have goat to be kidding me.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
You are my density!
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I sulfur when you argon.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?