Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.