What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.