If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.