What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.