I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
Whatever floats your goat.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.