Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
You shamrock my world.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much