Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead

If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!

He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.

Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.

When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.

What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble

I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!

Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.

What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.

What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!

There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.

What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.

The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."

Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie

Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.

I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.

I like you, you croc my world.

How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.

As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.

What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!

I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.

Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.

If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!

It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?

Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel

What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.

Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!

Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.

“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”

Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.

You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.

“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!

What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.

If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.

My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'