What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Whale, hello there.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
Burst into cheers!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"