Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Metaphors be with you.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
You’re my pot of gold.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost