If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.