What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!