Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
I’m soy
into you.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I feel like we're in tune
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?