What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner