What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
I whale-y like you.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
You really mermaid my day.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker