“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce