"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.