How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
All farts...are laughing gas.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Nothing really mattress.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer