A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!