There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!