What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Prepare to be bowled over.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Irish you were beer.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I feel like we're in tune
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
There’s snow one like you.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.