Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Can I claim your baggage?
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
This is snow laughing matter!
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.