Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Summer is just floating by.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Let's Taco about love.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
A good workman doesn't blame his fools
\*tools.
Stupid keyboard.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
"Back that glass up."
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.