What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
Seas the day!
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?