Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
I beg your garden?
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
You know what they say? Words.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
It's always a first class trip with me.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.