My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Irish food is legen-dairy.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.