Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.