Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.