What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Reading is a novel idea.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."