“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
The huddle is real
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.