Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
I like big books and I cannot lie.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!