The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.

How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don’t know. It’s a mistery.

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial

Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.

"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?

How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?

Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania

You’re turtle-ly awesome.

What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much

"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz

No body has ever won a skeleton race.

Join us for plenty of play action.

Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.

What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier

"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!

Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.

Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.

Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.

I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.

"A change of latitude would help my attitude."

Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.

Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.

How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.

My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."

“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.

The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.

I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.

Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.

What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.

The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"

Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.