Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.

What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde

Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.

Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”

Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.

Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.

I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”

“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler

Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

I'm Havana dream about you.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.

Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!

“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke

Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.

Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!

I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"

Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.

Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!

Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!

“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”

What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?

What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.

Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.

What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!

What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her

Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!

What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.

I love when you coddle me.

I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.

“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer

We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.

Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.

Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.