What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Your mausoleum or mine?
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.