When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.