I'm pine-ing for you.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
I’m soy into you.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!