I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Do you squat here often?
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Sea you at the beach.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford