I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Dublin’ the fun.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.