I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
She has high elf-esteem.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Man is Fatally Slain.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
We’re calling your number.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.