What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.

Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.

“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends

"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.

Get in the swim this summer.

Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.

"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."

Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!

What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."

Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.

Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.

Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!

How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.

Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous

Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.

Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!

A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.

Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.

Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.

I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'

I am fawn’d of you my deer.

What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!

Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.

I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.

Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese