Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.

When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.

Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.

Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.

I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.

Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.

How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!

Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.

What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!

Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?

At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.

Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.

“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.

Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.

What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."

While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."

“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”

- Alyson Hannigan.

Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.

Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.

What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.

Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”

- Ralph Bus.

What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.

I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.

This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.

What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!

"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."

- Immortal Souls.

What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.

Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.