“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.