My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
"Just one hot chick."
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
You really mermaid my day.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Don't worry, bee happy!
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
You had me at ruff.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"