Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.