I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!