I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
I Got to Get You Into My Life
I love you a tot!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan