I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.

My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.

Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.

Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.

There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.

"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown

My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.

Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.

What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.

There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.

What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.

Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?

Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.

If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.

My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.

What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.

What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”

What is a car’s favourite band?

Van Halen.

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare

Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner

Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.

In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.

If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.

“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker

Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”

Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.

Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.

What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.

Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.

How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”

Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.

Love me till ice cream.

What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.

I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.

Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.

A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"

What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.