Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.