What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Honestly, I really lilac you.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Treat yo shelves.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike