What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
I think we need to become better strangers.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.