A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
I have bean
thinking about you.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!