Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.

How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.

I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.

Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.

Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.

The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.

I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.

How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.

Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.

"Do you play the trom-bone?"

If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.

“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”

What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.

What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.

What a spud muffin.

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.

What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.

Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.

I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts

Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?

“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!

What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.

How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.

I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.

My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.

I get a real kick out of you.

Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.

Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.

Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.

Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards

What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”

What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.