My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.