What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
I find my core strength in you.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!