What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.