Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.

Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"

What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.

How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.

Can I be your next varietal?

I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.

I am a mean green machine.

What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."

Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.

What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.

Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!

What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.

Treat yo'elf.

What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"

Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.

How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor

“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown

My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?

Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.

Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.

Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!

What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.

Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.

What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.

Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed

How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.

Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?