My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.