What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Take off all your cloves.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.