Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
That was thaw-some!
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.