What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.